I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
