so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Randomize
