Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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