You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
