Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
