My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
