So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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