she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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