Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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