If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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