apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
