she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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