she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
