Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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