Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
