So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
