I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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