C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
