Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm jealous of your bromance
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
