how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
