I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
