I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
