this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
