Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
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