Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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