you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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