Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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