I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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