Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
