For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
