when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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