Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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