...so i touched it.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
