Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
