Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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