You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
