i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
