So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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