I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
