I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
