well you can't waste a boner
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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