I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
