So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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