I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
