Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
