someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
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