Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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