shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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