if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
are you so shy because you have an std?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
