I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
